Please don't come for me for saying this, but Autumn is not actually my favorite season, Summer is. Now, before anyone gets their favorite sweater in a bunch, let me just say that I don't hate Autumn at all. I actually really love and adore Autumn. After all, I was born in the Fall; it's just not my favorite season. Then given the fact that it comes after Summer, and right before Winter (which I kind of despise), I have some pretty mixed feelings about it. I'm not going to say that I at don't look forward to Fall every year, because I most certainly do, but I'm also not super eager for it to arrive either. Am I the only one who feels this way? I can't be the only one who feels this way. Please tell me that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Because I'll be honest with you, there are quite a few things about Autumn that I'm not too fond of. But before you accidentally spill your pumpkin spice latte in the horror of what I just said, there are marvelous and not-so-marvelous things about every season. There are even some things I dislike about Summer!

Seriously though, don't get it twisted; I do like Fall, even if I do have very mixed feelings about it. I enjoy the Autumnal weather and scenery when Autumn makes its brief appearance in Ohio. There are many things that I love about Fall, but that doesn't mean that I am going to pretend that there aren't a few things I dislike about Autumn either, just like I can't pretend that there aren't a few things I like about Winter. I also must say that there are a few things about the Fall time that I have mixed emotions on and that I like, but also sort of dislike, simultaneously. I really hope that there is someone out there who can relate, given the fact that I often see people posting on social media about how excited they are for Autumn in early-August. If not earlier, I've seen people getting excited for Autumn as early as July, maybe even June. But I suppose people who love Winter must feel the same way when I started getting excited about Spring and Summer in late-November; before Winter even officially starts. So fair enough.

I'm just going to come right out and say it, I was not popular when I was in school, at all. I'm sure many people can relate to that, but I wasn't just unpopular, I was an outcast. I was never invited to anything outside of school, or even in school for the matter. Honestly, I could go on and on about the things I dealt with as an outcast, especially in late elementary and middle school, when I was dealing with the worst of what I went through. I'm not going to lie to you and say that it wasn't a lonely and isolating feeling to be sitting alone at lunch almost every day and to feel like I had no friends. Like most young teens, I just wanted to fit in somewhere. All through middle school, I tried and tried to fit in, but none of my efforts worked. As a matter of fact, it seemed that the harder I tried to fit in, the worse the bullying and teasing got. I knew that I wasn't going to fit in, and I had to accept that fact.

So at some point, I decided to say "fuck this shit" and stop trying to be cool, because clearly, it wasn't working. Besides, I was beginning to realize that being "popular" really wasn't what it was hyped up to be, so I decided to just embrace being an outcast. And let me tell you, embracing being an outcast may be one of the best decisions I made in my young life. Not only did I no longer feel that I had to pretend to be something that I wasn't, which was a truly liberating feeling, but once I decided to embrace being an outcast, it no longer felt like a curse. I also have to say that, the more I embraced being an outcast, and the less I gave a shit what other people thought about me, the more the bullies backed away. Honestly, there are so many positive ways that embracing the fact that I didn't fit in, rather than beating myself up over it, impacted my life. So with that said, I am actually grateful that I decided to embrace being an outcast, rather than view not fitting in as a bad thing.

I was not exactly what you would have called "popular" or "cool" when I was in school, not by any stretch of the imagination. I was never invited to anything outside of school, I never had a date to a school dance, I was seldom not picked last in gym class, the teacher often had to assign me a partner for school projects; I could go on and on. I'll be honest, I really didn't even have a close group of friends back when I was in school. I was more than just unpopular, I was an outcast, and I was often a target for bullying and teasing; or at least, I sure felt like a target sometimes. No matter what I did to try to fit in, I never did. As a matter of fact, it seemed that the harder I tried to fit it, the worse the bullying and teasing got. Late elementary and middle school, when the bullying was at its peak, was not a fun time for me. I sincerely hated going to school, for the obvious reasons; aside from having to wake up early and sit in boring classes. It was honestly such a horrible and lonely time in my life. I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't a shitty time for me, even though I did find some gratitude for it later on in life.

With all of that said, I would like to make it clear that I am not telling you this because I want pity or anything like that; I am telling you this because my story is quite common. Even in 2020, bullying is still very prevalent, and it doesn't seem like it's going away anytime soon. Let's be real, there are always going to be people who choose to be assholes, it's just a fact of life. But my point with all of this is that if you feel like you're an outcast, I want you to know that, by no means, are you alone. I know what you're going through, and I know how lonely and misunderstood you may feel. I know that it feels like no one cares about you and that you just want to fit in somewhere. Maybe not with the "popular" kids, but somewhere. Seriously, I know, because I've been there, and I get it. I also know that you've heard the phrase "it gets better" so many freaking times that you'd be a millionaire if you had a penny for every time you've had someone tell you that. I can personally tell you that it does get better, but I know that really doesn't mean that much when you're still going through it.

So today, I'm not just going to give you that generic "it'll be okay" statement and tell you what your future could look like. Trust me, I know that it can be hard to look to the future sometimes, especially when you're in middle school or high school. Heck, even if you're an adult going through it, I know it can be hard to look to the future at times. Seriously, I get it. That's why today, I'm going to tell you something that I wish I knew when I was dealing with all the crap I deal with back then; something that I hope can be eye-opening to at least one person out there. Because there was a lot that I did not realize at that time, not just because I was young, but because the situation was just so overwhelming at the time.

Throughout my teen years, and through much of my early 20s, I struggled with extremely low self-esteem, and I basically had zero confidence in myself. I'll be honest, to this day, I still struggle with negative self-talk, and I often second guess myself. I could go on and on about why I believe that my self-esteem and my self-confidence have suffered, but let's be real, I'm not the only one who struggles with either of these things. Almost everyone, if not everyone, has moments in their life where they aren't feeling great about themselves, and where they just don't feel confident. Life has a way of doing that to us, whether it's through the not-so-great events that may happen in our lives, what other people say to us, or even just through the comparison game. Let's be honest, in the modern world, we're almost expected to not feel great about ourselves and second-guess almost everything we do and/or say. It's practically the norm to have low self-confidence. 

But just because something is the norm, it doesn't mean that you need to fall into it. Especially when it's something that can potentially hold you back from achieving your goals and being your best self, and can be damaging to your mental health. Seriously, there is no legitimate reason why you should allow negative thoughts consume you and keep you from living your best life because you deserve to live your best life. You deserve to be confident in yourself and the things you want to accomplish. Without a doubt, building and maintaining self-confidence is something that requires constant work, but it's certainly not impossible, even if you have zero confidence; I know this from experience. You just have to want to boost your confidence and understand that although it may require some effort, you can become more confident. Honestly, the first step is knowing that you deserve to have more self-confidence and believing that you can become more confident. Then from there, it's time to put in the work to start changing your mindset about yourself for the better.

For as far back as I can remember, I have always been highly critical of myself, and I would often find myself speaking negatively of myself, sometimes to the point that I was straight up bullying myself. I'll be honest too, I didn't even see a problem with being so hard on myself and saying nasty things to myself until about a year ago. I legitimately didn't believe that it was an issue if I said unkind things about myself, and I especially didn't think it was a problem to be hyper-critical of myself. As long as I wasn't tearing somebody else down, why did it matter if I tore myself down and gave myself (non-constructive) criticism? But the thing is when you speak so negatively about yourself, you often end up holding yourself back, and not only that, but it's just not good for your mental health. Just because negative self-talk is such a common habit that a lot of people have, it doesn't mean that it's okay, which is why I've been trying to correct these negative thoughts I have about myself.

All of that being said, I must say that while it's proven to be a challenge to change my mindset about myself, it has definitely been beneficial to my mental health to try to divert these negative thoughts in a more positive direction. Seriously, it feels so much better to focus on the things I love about myself, instead of dwelling on the things I don't like about myself and unfairly criticizing myself for everything. I was actually doing pretty good about changing my mindset about myself for the first few months of 2020, and I must say that I'm proud of myself for that, as I used to think I couldn't change my mindset. Especially not my mindset about myself, but I did it, or at least I made a start at changing my mindset. But then things started going south in my relationship, and the negative thoughts began to creep back in, and I allowed them to go unchecked. Then the breakup happened, and they all came rushing back in, along with negative thoughts related directly to the breakup.

I really beat myself up over this breakup, as I always do when a relationship that I deeply treasured ends, and fell back into self-loathing. I placed the blame on myself for the relationship going south and eventually ending. I felt like I was unlovable, and not good enough, and I kept telling myself negative things that weren't true, but I still believed them. I feel as if many of us do this after a breakup. Especially those of us who were either on the receiving end of it or had to leave someone that we were still in love with, and didn't want to leave. But it's not healthy to allow these thoughts to go unchecked. Seriously, you can't let one person destroy your self-worth, and tear you down to nothing. A lot of the things you're telling yourself about yourself after this breakup are most likely untrue, and you have to keep them in check.

I don't fall in love often, despite being a hopeless romantic, but when I do fall for somebody, I fall hard for that person. For me, it's such a blissful feeling to fall in love with somebody who genuinely seems to feel the same way about you. I honestly can't even begin to describe how blissful that feeling is, I really can't; it's like being on top of the universe, not just the world, but the whole freaking universe. Seriously, to me, it's that good of a feeling to fall in love. But there's a flip side to that, as I feel heartbreak just as intensely if the person that I fell in love with decides to rip my heart out. Holy fuck is the heartbreak from a breakup intense for me; it's actually quite debilitating. Sometimes I question if that blissful feeling of falling in love is worth the risk of heartbreak. No, really, I genuinely ask myself this sometimes. Is it really worth it? 

You can probably guess that my brain and my heart tell me two completely different things. Maybe this whole love thing is worth the risk? I honestly don't know sometimes. But one thing I know for sure is that I've learned quite a lot from both falling in love and having my heartbroken. Some of them were very rough lessons to learn, but they were still lessons that I needed to learn, even if I'd preferred not to have hard to learn them the hard way. I mean, does anyone want to learn a lesson the hard way? Fuck no, but sometimes it's the only way we learn.

It sure seems that life loves to throw stuff at us that can completely ruin our mood, no matter how strong, resilient, or positive we usually are. People do things that piss us off and annoy the shit out of us, the people closest to us may do things that hurt or upset us, or we can end up in some unpleasant and emotionally taxing situations. Sometimes, we may end up in a sour mood, and not even know why exactly we're in a bad mood. Perhaps we may be feeling physically crappy, and how we're feeling physically impacts how we're feeling mentally. Whatever the case may be, it's not fun to be in a bad mood, whether it's over something major or minor, or if we don't even know what it actually is. So it's certainly not a bad idea to try to find some little pick-me-ups to help potentially improve our mood, even if just by a little bit.

I know that sometimes, little pick-me-ups aren't going to help you feel 100% better, nor are they actually going to solve the problem, but they can potentially help you to feel slightly better. And personally, I have found time and time again, that practicing self-care (even when I don't want to) is the best way to lift myself back up out of a rut. It may be little by little, but sometimes that's how it is. Regardless, if you're in a less-than-great mood, you deserve to feel better, whether all you really need is a little pick-me-up, or you need to heal little by little.

The heartache that a breakup leaves can often feel like too much to bear. When the person that you trusted with your heart decides to rip it out, it can feel like the whole world is crashing down around you. If you're anything like me, your world practically revolved around this person, and you would have done anything for them. You saw a future with this person, or at the very least, you were fond of their company, so watching them go, and not being able to do anything about it, can feel unbearable. I'll be honest with you, I am not good at handling the pain of heartbreak. I will feel the pain not only feel it mentally and emotionally but physically too, it's horrible, and I will often feel it to some degree for months, or even over a year.

But I don't want to be feeling horrible for months, and I certainly don't want to feel this way for a year or more. So as hard as it may be, I have to find a way to pick myself back up and try to get through this. I'm not saying that I'm not going to allow myself to feel the sadness when I'm feeling sad, but I'm also not going to lay in bed all day and dwell in negativity, self-pity, and self-loathing either. There is no reason why I shouldn't allow myself to feel anything but negativity. There is absolutely no reason why I should let one person tear me down and cause me to throw away all the progress I've made in all aspects of my life, no matter how much I may care for that person. I have to find a way to get through this and pick myself back up. And I need to do it sooner rather than later.

Having your heart ripped out by someone that you love and trust fucking sucks, it really fucking sucks. I personally can not think of anything that affects me worse than heartbreak; and the mental, emotional, and physical toll it has on me. I'm not even trying to be dramatic when I say that heartbreak is practically debilitating for me. No, really, I think I actually function better when I'm sick than when I'm heartbroken. Actually, wait a minute, heartbreak does make me feel sick. I'm not even exaggerating, heartbreak will cause me to feel physically ill. So when you throw in the mental and emotional turmoil, yeah, it's fucking hell. Needless to say, I do not handle heartbreak very well. Does anyone handle it very well? I think we can all agree that heartbreak fucking sucks. It really fucking sucks.

But seriously, having my heart broken takes such an intense toll on me that I often wonder why I even put myself in the position where I can potentially have my heart ripped out. Seriously, why do I do this to myself? Just because I've dreamed of true love since I was 5 years old, and it feels incredible to be in love with someone special? Honestly, the best feeling in the world to me is the feeling of being in love. I totally realize how cheesy that sounds, and I sometimes wish it wasn't the truth for me, but it is. For me, and probably everyone else, there's a day and night difference between the feelings of being in love and being heartbroken. When I'm in love, I feel like I'm on top of the world. But when I have my heart ripped out? Bloody fucking hell, it's quite a shitty feeling.

While I don't believe that venting on social media is the best way to go about releasing your emotions, I'm guilty of it. I'll be honest too, I'd be lying if I said that I was 100% ashamed of it. Unquestionably, some Tweets should have stayed in my drafts, and there are things that I probably should not have publicly aired for the world to see. But let me be real, sometimes, putting it out there feels so damn good. So much so, that I sometimes have no restraint when it comes to making it known to the world that something (or someone) is bugging me. Whether it's something relatively minor or something major, I find that it's a bit too easy to go on a Twitter rant over 10 Tweets long about it. Or, at the very least, retweet or share posts that explain what I'm feeling. I know it's not the best or most mature thing in the world, not to mention the fact that it's not very professional, but I can not even begin to explain how freaking good it feels at the moment. Seriously, I can not.

But on that note, what if venting to social media isn't necessarily a bad thing? Perhaps I am just trying to justify the fact that I still find myself turning to Twitter when there's something on my mind that I need to let out, and I'm still not about to say that it's the best way to release your emotions, but hear me out. While it may not be the best solution to spill your thoughts to the internet, and it probably won't actually solve anything, it doesn't necessarily have to be destructive either. As a matter of fact, what if it can be productive in a way? What if, not only am I getting something that's weighing on me off my chest, but I'm possibly putting into words what someone else who comes across my rant might be feeling? I know for a fact that, personally, when I read someone else's words, I feel less alone. But seriously, what if there is a positive side to venting on social media when you go about it in the right way?