Please don't come for me for saying this, but Autumn is not actually my favorite season, Summer is. Now, before anyone gets their favorite sweater in a bunch, let me just say that I don't hate Autumn at all. I actually really love and adore Autumn. After all, I was born in the Fall; it's just not my favorite season. Then given the fact that it comes after Summer, and right before Winter (which I kind of despise), I have some pretty mixed feelings about it. I'm not going to say that I at don't look forward to Fall every year, because I most certainly do, but I'm also not super eager for it to arrive either. Am I the only one who feels this way? I can't be the only one who feels this way. Please tell me that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Because I'll be honest with you, there are quite a few things about Autumn that I'm not too fond of. But before you accidentally spill your pumpkin spice latte in the horror of what I just said, there are marvelous and not-so-marvelous things about every season. There are even some things I dislike about Summer!

Seriously though, don't get it twisted; I do like Fall, even if I do have very mixed feelings about it. I enjoy the Autumnal weather and scenery when Autumn makes its brief appearance in Ohio. There are many things that I love about Fall, but that doesn't mean that I am going to pretend that there aren't a few things I dislike about Autumn either, just like I can't pretend that there aren't a few things I like about Winter. I also must say that there are a few things about the Fall time that I have mixed emotions on and that I like, but also sort of dislike, simultaneously. I really hope that there is someone out there who can relate, given the fact that I often see people posting on social media about how excited they are for Autumn in early-August. If not earlier, I've seen people getting excited for Autumn as early as July, maybe even June. But I suppose people who love Winter must feel the same way when I started getting excited about Spring and Summer in late-November; before Winter even officially starts. So fair enough.

Having your heart ripped out by someone that you love and trust fucking sucks, it really fucking sucks. I personally can not think of anything that affects me worse than heartbreak; and the mental, emotional, and physical toll it has on me. I'm not even trying to be dramatic when I say that heartbreak is practically debilitating for me. No, really, I think I actually function better when I'm sick than when I'm heartbroken. Actually, wait a minute, heartbreak does make me feel sick. I'm not even exaggerating, heartbreak will cause me to feel physically ill. So when you throw in the mental and emotional turmoil, yeah, it's fucking hell. Needless to say, I do not handle heartbreak very well. Does anyone handle it very well? I think we can all agree that heartbreak fucking sucks. It really fucking sucks.

But seriously, having my heart broken takes such an intense toll on me that I often wonder why I even put myself in the position where I can potentially have my heart ripped out. Seriously, why do I do this to myself? Just because I've dreamed of true love since I was 5 years old, and it feels incredible to be in love with someone special? Honestly, the best feeling in the world to me is the feeling of being in love. I totally realize how cheesy that sounds, and I sometimes wish it wasn't the truth for me, but it is. For me, and probably everyone else, there's a day and night difference between the feelings of being in love and being heartbroken. When I'm in love, I feel like I'm on top of the world. But when I have my heart ripped out? Bloody fucking hell, it's quite a shitty feeling.

So, it's safe to say that 2020 has been the strangest year of my life, and this year isn't going to go quite how I planned it. I was planning to make this the year that I started to come out of my shell a little bit. 2020 was going to be the year that I started to leave the house a little more often, and see what life outside my bedroom had to offer. I wasn't going to let anything stop me from making a serious effort to be less of a hermit this year, nothing at all. When 2020 started, I sincerely believed that nothing was going to stop me from living my best life. What could stop possibly stop me from achieving all of my goals this year? I even came into 2020 with the mentality that there would be ups and downs, but I wouldn't let the downs stop me making this year the best year ever. Nothing can go that wrong, right? Nothing can actually put a stop to my plans! Oof--

Welp, it's looking like 2020 isn't going to be the best year ever, at least not in terms of going out more. I can honestly say that I never thought I'd have such a legitimate excuse for being a homebody, not until I had to be one. I suppose I can't complain too much, as my lifestyle actually hasn't changed that much under quarantine, and I like being home, but it would be nice to have the option to safely go out. I'd love to be able to go to the mall, go to a coffee shop, spend time at the park, and see my boyfriend. I long for the day that I can do all of those things safely. But, for now, I have to try to make the most of quarantine. I mean, what other option do I really have? No, but really, I want to make the most of this time. I also want to use this as a time of reflection, because damn, let me tell you, I've come to quite a few realizations since shit started to hit the fan.

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Honestly, I have always been a bit of an introverted homebody. I actually prefer to stay home most of the time. Even when given the option, I'll typically choose to do most things from home. Sure, I do enjoy going shopping at the mall every now and then, and I do enjoy going for walks to get some fresh air, but for the most part, if it can be done at home, I will almost always opt to do it at home. I workout at home, I do my work at home, I entertain myself at home, I do pretty much everything at home. I like home. Home is my happy place, my safe place. I think you get the idea by now, I enjoy spending time at home. At least most of the time.

I can't say that I haven't been missing the option to go to the shop, see the people that I care about, visit the park, or anything else I may feel like doing during the quarantine. I have a newfound appreciation for having the option to do what used to seem like the most simple of things. I have a newfound appreciation for ordinary life in general. But I also have a heightened appreciation for the comforts of home, even the things that may seem silly or trivial. Why shouldn't I take a moment to truly appreciate all of these things, and have a little bit of gratitude for them? Even if quarantine has been my lifestyle all along, now is the time to truly embrace being a homebody.

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As humans, it's easy for us to pick ourselves apart, and to be overly critical of ourselves. For many of us, it would be easy to create a list of things we don't like about ourselves and the things that we would like to change. I'm all for working to be the best version of ourselves that we can be and giving ourselves constructive criticism that can help us grow as individuals, but a lot of the time, we're our own harshest critic.  And let's be honest, our criticism of ourselves isn't always constructive, and it's more negative self-talk than anything else. I find myself being hyper-critical of myself on a pretty regular basis, and focusing on my shortcomings, or what I view as my shortcomings. It's rare I ever take a moment to focus on what I love about myself. So in honor of Valentine's Day, I have decided to sit down and create a list of 14 things that I love about myself as my own little way to celebrate this holiday of love.

Photo courtesy of Karolina Grabowska on KaboomPics

Holiday traditions can sometimes vary a little bit, or even a lot a bit, from family to family. They can also change a little bit over the years as well, as new traditions get added and some fall to the wayside. In my family, things also tend to change a little bit from year to year as well, primarily just the timing of certain things, particularly when we get the tree up and start wrapping gifts. I honestly don't think we've ever had a specific date when we'd get the Christmas tree up and start wrapping presents. Not gonna lie, I'd love to make a tradition of setting up the tree the day after Thanksgiving so that we can enjoy it for longer. There's actually a lot of holiday traditions I'd like to start. Maybe I should start some of them on my own, even if no one else will join in. Maybe? I already have my own traditions for New Year's Eve and New Year's Day that I tend to do solely on my own. So why not?

That being said, even though plans may vary from year to year, there are still a few traditions in my family that are pretty constant. And I always look forward to them. Even the ones that don't seem like fun. I actually find a little joy in some of the "boring" or chaotic ones, some of them are actually enjoyable to me for some odd reason. And even if they aren't enjoyable, they still mean that the holiday season is upon us, and Christmas is one of my favorite holidays. Although it's in a very tight race with New Year's Day. Honestly, I think New Year's Day is my favorite holiday, but Christmas and New Year are so close that it doesn't really matter.

Anyway, I always enjoy hearing about the holiday traditions that others have, whether they're quite similar or very different from mine. I've always found it interesting how others choose to celebrate the holidays, whether they celebrate Christmas or something else. So I decided, why not share some of my holiday traditions?

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It is the week of Thanksgiving in America, and if you're at all familiar with the American version of the Holiday, your mind probably goes to the food instantly. You also may think about the day after Thanksgiving when people line up outside department stores waiting to get in for the Black Friday deals, and all of the chaos that ensues on Black Friday. Less than 24 hours after sitting down to remember what they're thankful for at the dinner table, a sizable number of Americans wake up ridiculously early for great deals on the hottest products of the year. Or at least what seems to be great deals anyways. I have absolutely nothing against Black Friday shopping, you can actually get some good deals to kick off the holiday shopping season. Some people also enjoy it for the sake of tradition, or for the experience itself. It's just a little ironic that there are a few people who will start fights over material items, less than 24 hours of remembering what they're thankful for. As if they couldn't have found the item they were fighting over on Amazon, possibly for an even better deal. But I digress, I majorly digress.

I'm just going to get to the point now. Although the food and the shopping are a huge part of Thanksgiving week in America, so is gratitude, as the name of the holiday may imply. Let's be honest for a second too. As much as we should be practicing gratitude year-round, it can be easy to get caught up in the stresses of everyday life. So it's nice to have holidays like Thanksgiving that remind us to be thankful for what we do have, big or small.

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It wasn't until after I had written my post about my worst mood-killing habits that I realized that I had left out my worst mood-killing habit of all. As a matter of fact, I didn't even realize that it even was a bad habit, or how bad it can be, until after I had published that post. It didn't actually hit me until I was watching the fifth episode of Shane Dawson's series, The Beautiful World Of Jeffree Star. It resonated with me instantly when Shane said that he wanted to stop saying negative things about himself. That was when I realized that this was something I really need to work on as well, as I know for a fact that I can be my own harshest critic. I often find myself saying harsh-ass shit to myself that I would never say to another person. So needless to say, I've allowed this habit of negative self-talk to go almost completely unchecked for far too long. And going into 2020, it's time to start changing that.

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With this week being Asexual Awareness Week, I might as well come right out and say it; I'm on the asexual spectrum! To be a little more specific, I identify the most with demisexuality, which essentially means that I typically don't usually experience sexual attraction, but I might if I form a strong emotional connection to someone. Also, I'd like to clarify that this is not the same thing as abstinence or celibacy; this is just one of many misconceptions about asexuality. Asexuality is a sexual orientation, not a personal or lifestyle choice, such as abstinence; and although many asexuals may choose not to have sex (or just don't care to), many asexuals do have (and even enjoy) sex, even in the absence of sexual attraction.

By the way, before I go any further, I'd also like to note that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are not the same things. You can be asexual and not experience sexual attraction, but still experience romantic attraction; and be of any romantic orientation, such as heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic, or even aromantic. By the way, you can also be aromantic (or any subset of aromatic), but not be asexual, and be of any sexual orientation. I could go on and on, but I literally can not speak for everyone on the ace or aro spectrum, as there are many ways to experience asexuality and/or aromanticism. I can, however, speak from my own experiences.

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Ever since I got my first computer in my room with high-speed internet, I spent a lot of time online, and even more specifically on some sort of social media site; although when I was younger many of them were more targeted at kids and young teens and had stricter rules to protect the safety of children while still allowing them to connect with others who have the same interests and make new friends (we need more sites and app like this now honestly). Either way though, whether I was on Zwinky or on MySpace (yes, that was a thing), watching YouTube videos, or if I was using an IM service like AIM or Yahoo Messenger (okay I really feel old now), I was spending most of my free time outside of school on some sort of social media website. And I still do this now as an adult; just now I use Twitter, Instagram, Pinterest, WeHeartIt, Facebook, YouTube, and a few others now instead of MySpace and the online games. 

I'll be honest, I know I spend way to much time on social media and the internet in general. Although I think that may be due to the fact that I was an outcast in school, and didn't leave the house much; as I didn't really have anyone to spend time with in real life. All that being said, I've spent enough time online to see both the bad and the good sides of social media. Seriously though, while older generations, in particular, and the media often portray social media as a bad thing, it's not all bad; and can even be beneficial if used in a positive way. Don't get me wrong though, social media can also be extremely toxic if used in the wrong ways, and it's nearly impossible not to stumble across nasty things from time to time; and they definitely should be talked about, but the positive side of social media shouldn't be forgotten either. So today I'd like to go over the best and the worst ways that social media had affected my life personally.

Although looking back on it now, I can honestly say I'm kinda grateful I was an outcast in school, that wasn't always the case. Especially when I was in middle school and at the age where it felt like being popular (or at least fitting in) was of utmost importance. I did some pretty stupid and silly things to try to win over the popular kids, or to at least try to make friends and just be accepted. Many of the things I did were just cringe-worthy, and I have no idea why I thought they'd actually earn me the acceptance of the cool kids; since apparently shows on Nickelodeon and Disney Channel aren't reliable sources on how to be cool in real life. Some things I did were just straight up stupid, and not even really worth it. 

I'll be honest though, there are also a few things I did that I actually don't totally regret or cringe at, but I wish I had done them because I wanted to; not to try to impress others. 

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I was not exactly the most popular girl in school; as a matter of fact, it was actually quite the opposite, and I was more of a popular target for teasing. Or at least that's how it felt at the time anyway. Needless to say, I didn't really have many friends and I pretty much never got invited to anything outside of school. Heck, I wasn't even invited to much in school; as the teacher often had to assign someone to work with me whenever we had to work in groups or with a partner (even though I'd have very much preferred to just work alone), I sat alone at lunch on most days, and I literally never had a date for a school dance. So I think you can guess that my social life outside of school was pretty much non-existent. (And let's be honest, my social life as an adult is still pretty much non-existent, LMAO.) But looking back on that now, I don't think that was necessarily completely a bad thing. 

While I can't say that the bullying hasn't had any negative lasting effects on me, and especially on my mental health, I can say that there's definitely a silver lining to not being the most popular girl in school. While all I wanted at the time was to be cool or at least fit in, (I could seriously go on and on about the things I did to try to be cool before I realized that "cool" is subjective and that what society deems as being cool can change over time), I have certainly found a few ways that not being popular has actually brought some good into my life. 

Some of these ways are more serious than others, and some of them may seem a bit silly or pehaps even kind of sad to some, but I truly believe in trying to find even just a little bit of good in a bad situation or experience in any way that you can.