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| Photo courtesy of Ava Sol on Unsplash |
For as far back as I can remember, I have always been highly critical of myself, and I would often find myself speaking negatively of myself, sometimes to the point that I was straight up bullying myself. I'll be honest too, I didn't even see a problem with being so hard on myself and saying nasty things to myself until about a year ago. I legitimately didn't believe that it was an issue if I said unkind things about myself, and I especially didn't think it was a problem to be hyper-critical of myself. As long as I wasn't tearing somebody else down, why did it matter if I tore myself down and gave myself (non-constructive) criticism? But the thing is when you speak so negatively about yourself, you often end up holding yourself back, and not only that, but it's just not good for your mental health. Just because negative self-talk is such a common habit that a lot of people have, it doesn't mean that it's okay, which is why I've been trying to correct these negative thoughts I have about myself.
All of that being said, I must say that while it's proven to be a challenge to change my mindset about myself, it has definitely been beneficial to my mental health to try to divert these negative thoughts in a more positive direction. Seriously, it feels so much better to focus on the things I love about myself, instead of dwelling on the things I don't like about myself and unfairly criticizing myself for everything. I was actually doing pretty good about changing my mindset about myself for the first few months of 2020, and I must say that I'm proud of myself for that, as I used to think I couldn't change my mindset. Especially not my mindset about myself, but I did it, or at least I made a start at changing my mindset. But then things started going south in my relationship, and the negative thoughts began to creep back in, and I allowed them to go unchecked. Then the breakup happened, and they all came rushing back in, along with negative thoughts related directly to the breakup.
I really beat myself up over this breakup, as I always do when a relationship that I deeply treasured ends, and fell back into self-loathing. I placed the blame on myself for the relationship going south and eventually ending. I felt like I was unlovable, and not good enough, and I kept telling myself negative things that weren't true, but I still believed them. I feel as if many of us do this after a breakup. Especially those of us who were either on the receiving end of it or had to leave someone that we were still in love with, and didn't want to leave. But it's not healthy to allow these thoughts to go unchecked. Seriously, you can't let one person destroy your self-worth, and tear you down to nothing. A lot of the things you're telling yourself about yourself after this breakup are most likely untrue, and you have to keep them in check.
This breakup is all my fault, I can't do anything right.
While I don't know your exact situation, I am going to guess that more than likely, it's not entirely your fault that your relationship didn't work out; if it's your fault at all. Sometimes, you can be doing everything right, and giving your partner everything that you can, and they will still not be happy. If that's the case, that's on them, not on you. And even if you did make some mistakes, as long as you didn't do something extremely hurtful to them, I still wouldn't say you should place the blame entirely on yourself. One of the things that I've learned about love over the years is that there's no such thing as the perfect partner, and both partners are going to make mistakes. Not only that, but you're both going to have your quirks that might get under the other person's skin.
But the thing is when you love somebody, you're willing to accept that they aren't perfect and work with them on everything, even if it's not the easiest thing to do. Relationships require patience and understanding, and they can be work at times; I honestly don't think enough people understand that. Or I should say, not enough people are willing to put in the work that it requires to keep a relationship alive when the honeymoon period ends. But that being said, if your partner is ready to throw away your entire relationship, without making any attempt to actually work it out, just because things aren't perfect, that's honestly on them. Seriously, that's on them, not on you, even if you did make some mistakes.
So instead of placing the entire blame on yourself, try to look at it this way...
Even if I may have made a few missteps during the relationship, I'm only human, just like my ex-partner is only human. Their decision to end the relationship or to stop putting in the effort is not on me, I have done all that I can do to make it work. Even if there are some things I'd like to change, I can take this as a learning experience.
I failed the person that I love.
As someone who has a tendency to not only be a people pleaser but also tends to feel as if I have some sort of an obligation to keep the people closest to me happy, when a lover slips away from me, I feel as if I failed them. And feeling as if you failed your favorite person is such a shitty feeling. I also tend to feel as if I'm responsible for helping my partner if they are going through a lot and/or helping them fix their life, even though I know it really isn't my responsibility. Having had partners break off the relationship when they were in the middle of some tough stuff, I'd feel like I failed to give them the support that they needed. Even though there was often nothing I could do except be there to listen to them, I'd still feel like I failed to help them. I didn't do enough. I wasn't supportive enough. I should have done this or that for them, but I didn't, and I failed them. Regardless of why things ended, I'd feel like I failed that person somehow. Even though I know that I'm not actually responsible for their decisions, and I may not have actually done anything wrong.
Anyway, my point is, just because your relationship with somebody didn't work out, it doesn't mean that you failed that person. Seriously, if you've done all that you could do for them, and for the relationship, you did not fail that person. If anything, if that person just entirely stopped trying, they failed you. Their decision to stop putting in the effort and give up on the relationship is not on you, it's on them. You can not beat yourself up over a breakup. You are not a failure just because your relationship didn't end up working out.
So instead of looking at it as if you failed them, look at it this way...
Although this relationship may not have worked out, I did everything that I could to make it work. I am NOT a failure just because this relationship ended. I did not fail my ex-partner, I am not responsible for their decisions, nor am I responsible for their feelings towards me.
I'm not worthy of love, I'm unlovable.
Oh, come on now, you know that's not true. Just because this one person has decided to not love you, or to suppress their love for you in some cases, it doesn't mean that you're not lovable. Seriously, you can't let this one person define your worth. Whether you believe it right now or not, you are worthy of love, and you deserve to be loved unconditionally; don't let this one person make you think otherwise. There is somebody out there who would be more than happy to give you their unconditional love and would see the world in you. There's also a good chance that at some point, your ex is going to realize that they fucked up by pushing you away and/or leaving you. I'm not going to tell you what to do if they try to come back after they have this realization, just go with your gut instinct. But my point is, you are lovable, even if you may not feel that way right not.
So if you find yourself feeling like you're not lovable, try saying this to yourself...
Just because this one person has decided not to love me, it does not mean that I am unlovable, nor does it mean that I am not worthy of love and affection. I am worthy of love, even if this one person couldn't see it. Their thoughts and actions do not define my worth.
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| Photo courtesy of Ashley Williams on Pexels |
I'll never find love!
Honestly, I feel this one 100% sometimes, and not even as just a negative thought towards myself. I'll be frank, today's dating climate is horrendous, at least for someone like me, or for anyone who would like any type of commitment, but also doesn't want to just rush right into a relationship. I'm not someone who falls in love that easy, and I have to get to know someone before I can even think about being in a relationship with them. I'm also not into hookups; at all. And it seems that's all a lot of people want these days, at least from what I've observed from going on a variety of dating apps. Ugh, online dating sure can be fucking annoying for me at times. Annoying enough that I often end up rage quitting and uninstalling all of the apps, then reinstalling them a few months later. And the cycle repeats until I eventually find someone. Seriously, I know how frustrating trying to find a worthy partner is these days; the dating climate is rubbish, with or without all this COVID stuff. It's definitely discouraging, but that doesn't mean that finding love is impossible.
Seriously though, if you want to find love, you can still find it, even with the current dating climate being so screwed up. It may not be easy to find somebody that's worth your time, but it's not impossible. You just have to believe that you will find the love that you desire. You found love before, and although it may not have worked out, you can surely find love again. And not only that, but you can find the love that you both desire and the love that you deserve. If true love is something that you desire, give your heart a break if you need to, but don't give up on it.
Instead of saying you'll "never" find love, try saying this...
While today's dating climate certainly isn't ideal, and I may deal with some frustrations along the way, I will find the love that I both desire and deserve one day.
Without them, I'm all alone now.
After a breakup happens, I often find myself feeling, well, alone; and I don't just mean romantically. When I'm in a relationship, I tend to give my romantic partner the vast majority of my time and attention. Without a doubt, they are the person that I talk to the most on any given day. They are often the first person I text in the morning and the last person I talk to before going to sleep at night, with many texts in between. Sometimes, they are the only person I talk to during the day that doesn't live in my household. Needless to say, if that person decides to leave and no longer speak to me, it can be quite a lonely feeling. Even if that person still wishes to keep talking, the conversations don't feel nearly the same. Did you know that it was possible to miss someone while you're talking to them? Because it's totally possible.
But, my point is, since my significant other is the person I often talk to the most and they are usually my primary support system, when that communication breaks down, I'll feel so lost and alone. I'll know that I'm not actually alone and that I don't need to go through the breakup alone, but I'll still feel like I'm alone, even as friends are trying to check in on me. I will be honest and say that I do tend to choose self-isolation after a breakup, so it's probably my own fault that I feel so alone. But I swear that even if I were texting hundreds of people, I'd still feel alone as I'm hoping and waiting for that person's name to pop up in my notifications. It's actually quite embarrassing how disappointed I sometimes get when my phone goes off, and it's not a message from them. Like, what was I actually expecting? But I'm sure many people can relate to that.
But what I'm trying to say with all of this is, while you might feel lonely after a breakup, you are more certainly not actually alone. Even if that person was basically your rock before the breakup, that doesn't mean that you don't have a support system that you can use to get through this breakup; or anything else for the matter. I know that it's sometimes hard to see beyond the fact that your favorite is no longer there, but more than likely, your friends and family are still there. Your pets are still there. You are not alone.
So if you find yourself feeling alone after a breakup, consider this...
Even if the person that I talked to the most and often looked to for support isn't there anymore, that doesn't mean that I'm alone. I still have other people in my life that I can talk to and can go to for support if I need it. Even though I feel lonely right now, I know I'm not actually alone.
I'll never be happy again.
Breakups really fucking suck. Especially as the pain isn't just emotional, but sometimes physical too; gotta love when you're bedridden over an ex-lover. Even as the worst of it subsides, the pain and heartbreak of the breakup can be long-lasting. Heartache is seldom something that goes away overnight. When you're going through a hard breakup, it can feel like you're never going to be happy again. Especially when it seems that no matter what, everything you do reminds you of that person, and you can't do anything without something coming up that makes you think of them. Maybe you saw something you knew they'd like, and you want to text them to tell them about it, but you can't; or at least, you shouldn't. Or maybe you just heard their name somewhere, or a word that kind of sounded like their name, and now you miss seeing their name pop up on your phone. Or you just miss them in general, and it hurts that they aren't there. It can feel impossible to be happy after a breakup. It can feel as if nothing will ever be okay again.
Seriously, I know how shitty of a feeling it is to have your heart ripped out, but I'm here to tell you that you will be okay. Not only that, but you will be able to be happy again, and you will be able to smile and laugh again. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, and I'd also like to say that it's okay if you don't feel okay right now, but you will be okay again one day. You just have to find a way to pick yourself back up again. Whether you believe it at this moment right now or not, you deserve to feel happiness again, and in time, you will. You will heal from the heartache, just hang in there for now.
So if you're feeling like you're never going to feel happy again, tell yourself this...
I might not feel okay right now, I might be hurting a lot from this breakup, but in time, I will heal. I will be happy again one day.
I know that breakups are painful, and it's easy to blame yourself for the relationship going south. I know that the heartache can feel unbearable at times and that you might be feeling alone after the breakup. But please, don't beat yourself up over the fact that this relationship didn't work out. Don't allow yourself to just dwell in negative thoughts, or let this one person tear you down. Those negative thoughts you're having right now aren't true. For real, don't believe the negative shit that you're telling yourself.
What are some negative thoughts you often have after a breakup? What do you tell yourself to correct these negative thoughts, or redirect them in a more positive direction?
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