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Katherine Moon
Katherine Isabella Moon
Meow, hello there, my name is Katherine, but you can call me Kat; because I basically am a cat. Anyways, I am a 26-year-old, lifestyle blogger, with an INFP-T personality type, from the United States. I love fashion, the color pink, cats, dogs, and spending all my time on my computer. I'm often seen wearing cat ears headbands.
The Kat Life
The Kat Life

how I'm choosing to live my best life

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

Lessons Learned Through Love And Heartbreak

Journal, coffee, and roses on a white blanket
Photo courtesy of Karolina Grabowska of Kaboompics

I don't fall in love often, despite being a hopeless romantic, but when I do fall for somebody, I fall hard for that person. For me, it's such a blissful feeling to fall in love with somebody who genuinely seems to feel the same way about you. I honestly can't even begin to describe how blissful that feeling is, I really can't; it's like being on top of the universe, not just the world, but the whole freaking universe. Seriously, to me, it's that good of a feeling to fall in love. But there's a flip side to that, as I feel heartbreak just as intensely if the person that I fell in love with decides to rip my heart out. Holy fuck is the heartbreak from a breakup intense for me; it's actually quite debilitating. Sometimes I question if that blissful feeling of falling in love is worth the risk of heartbreak. No, really, I genuinely ask myself this sometimes. Is it really worth it? 

You can probably guess that my brain and my heart tell me two completely different things. Maybe this whole love thing is worth the risk? I honestly don't know sometimes. But one thing I know for sure is that I've learned quite a lot from both falling in love and having my heartbroken. Some of them were very rough lessons to learn, but they were still lessons that I needed to learn, even if I'd preferred not to have hard to learn them the hard way. I mean, does anyone want to learn a lesson the hard way? Fuck no, but sometimes it's the only way we learn.

Lessons Learned From Love And Heartbreak

Heartbreak isn't just emotional, it's physical too.

I could never be the stereotypical girl who cries while eating a whole container of ice cream after a breakup. Even if I wanted to be that girl, I couldn't be, because in the days following the breakup, the mere thought of food makes me nauseous. This was something that I discovered in 2010 when I experienced my first significant experience with heartbreak, and I found myself running for the bathroom hours after the breakup had occurred. When the same happened with every significant breakup that followed in the years after, it was all the confirmation that heartbreak isn't just mental and emotional, it's physical too, and the physical side effects can be absolute hell. As if the mental and emotional turmoil wasn't enough on its own.

Not only will I get physically ill and not be able to eat for days without feeling nauseous, but my whole body will ache. I'll be physically exhausted and fatigued, and I'll just want to sleep, but I'll also be restless and unable to sleep properly. I also have reason to believe that my immune system goes to shit after a breakup, because it doesn't take much for me to end up getting sick in the weeks following the breakup, even after the initial physical side effects subside. Yeah, it's basically a living hell, especially when you factor back in the rest of the ways that heartbreak affects me.

You have to figure out how to pick yourself back up after a breakup.

When I go through a breakup, I tend to feel the pain and heartbreak of that breakup to some degree for months; sometimes for a year or more. Seriously, I can find myself feeling horrible for that long, only dragging myself out of bed out of pure necessity. But the thing is, there is no reason why I should be allowing one person to tear me down to the point that I end up dwelling in nothing but negative emotions for that damn long. It's okay to be sad over a breakup, it's okay to not be okay when you've had your heart ripped out, but you have to pick yourself back up. You can't throw your whole life away and stunt your growth over one person, no matter how much they may mean to you. I know it really fucking sucks, but you have to get back up.

You can not allow yourself to become dependent on one person for anything.

When I fall in love with somebody, I have a tendency to practically make this person the very center of my entire being. I'm not going to say that it's inherently a bad thing to give some priority to your partner, and if you're going to be in a relationship, that person should be a significant part of your life, but they shouldn't be your whole life. Seriously, do not make this person the very center of your existence, or the sole reason for your happiness. Don't allow yourself to become dependent on your partner for anything because if this person decides to leave, it will feel as if you're losing everything, it will make it the healing process even harder. It will also make any arguments you may have with this person that much harder. 

For real, don't make this person the sole reason that you wake up in the morning and smile. They can be a reason that you smile, but don't depend on them for happiness, or anything else. You have to be able to find joy in things that aren't your partner, and you have to remain independent, even if you're in a committed relationship.

You can't convince somebody to love you.

One of the hardest lessons I've learned from my past relationships if that, no matter what you do, you can't actually convince somebody to love you. Sometimes it really doesn't matter what you say or do, or how much effort you put into winning this person's heart; if they have decided they don't want to love you, you usually can't convince them otherwise. There is nothing that you can say that will make them want to stay. There is nothing you can do to convince them to love you. And once they decide to leave, no amount of begging will convince them to stay and genuinely want to work it out. With that said, please, don't ever beg for another person's love and affection; it won't work. I embarrassingly know this from experience. They have to come to the realization on their own that they fucked up by leaving you.

Your partner could change for the worst, and if they do, you can't usually do much about it.

One of the most heartbreaking things I've had to deal with in a relationship (pre-breakup) was watching some of my partners go from being the person that I had fallen in love with, to someone that I didn't even recognize. I am sure that it is quite common to see a change in your lover near the end of the relationship, but that doesn't make it any less heartbreaking. It's hard to see somebody go from being one of the sweetest and kindest people you have ever met, someone that you absolutely admire, to becoming someone completely different. I've personally watched lovers start acting so out of character, it was as if they had been kidnapped by their evil twin. Because while that person may look like them, and have the same voice, they are practically nothing like the person that I had fallen for, and the change in them was often not for the better.

And the thing is, if your partner starts making a change for the worst, there's usually not much you can do about it. Especially as they'll often deny that they've changed. Either that or they'll try to justify their actions, even if they are destructive. I know it's fucking depressing to watch someone you love basically self-destruct, but if they won't listen to you, this is something that they are going to have to realize on their own. Because at that point, there's really nothing you can do.

You're not responsible for "fixing" your partner.

Listen, I know you want to help the person that you love if they need the help, but the thing is, you are not responsible for "fixing" them. The most that you can do is be there to support them and guide them in the right direction, but ultimately, it's up to them to get their own shit together. The decisions that they make are not your responsibility, so you can't blame yourself if they don't make the right decisions. All you can do is support them, and sometimes, they won't even let you do that; and this is when it's time to either take a step back or just walk away. I know it's sad, but you really can't make them do anything, even if it's what's best for them.

There is no such thing as the "perfect" partner.

Ever since I was young, I've had this image in my head of what the perfect partner would be like. I had this image in my head of not only what this person would look like, but what their personality would be like, and how the relationship with them would be. And of course, as a Simmer, I would make this person in The Sims as my lover, and give myself highly unrealistic expectations for love. Ugh, why can't I make my Sims real?! But seriously, the perfect partner only exists in our head, in our Sims games, and in fictional stories. We're all only human, so you can't expect your partner to meet all of your expectations, nor can you expect them to never fuck up. This is something that you're going to have to accept. I'm not saying that you need to take any bullshit from your partner, but seriously, don't expect absolute perfection in a relationship.

You have to speak up for what you want in a relationship.

Odds are, your lover is not a mind reader, so if there's something on your mind that you really want them to know, you need to tell them. If there is something that you want or something that's bothering you, you can not assume that this person will somehow figure it out if you don't tell them. Because more than likely, they won't. They may notice that you're upset, but they aren't going to know why unless you talk to them about it. Seriously, if there's something you want your lover to know, tell them. How can you expect them to do what you want if they don't even know what you want? How can they begin to fix something if they don't know that you're bothered by something? Seriously, they can't fix what they don't know about. Of course, you should be kind in your approach, but seriously, speak up. If this person loves you, there's a good chance that they'll listen.

It's essential to have boundaries with your partner.

Let me be honest, I'm not good at setting boundaries, especially in a relationship. For as far back as I could remember, I've struggled with being a people pleaser, and I'd often let people walk all over me, and they didn't even necessarily have to be people I was close to. For most of my life, I struggled to set boundaries with anyone. Sometimes, I didn't even have to like the person to let them take advantage of me. So needless to say, when it came to my lover, my favorite person that I would willingly do anything for, my boundaries were more than non-existent. Not only would I basically give my partner everything they wanted, and go way out of my way to make them happy, often for them to not even appreciate it, but I would take a lot of shit from them. Shit that was often unacceptable.

I would like to clarify that I have thankfully never had a partner act in a threatening way towards me, and I have never been put in a situation where I felt unsafe with my partner. But I have had partners talk down to me and act in ways that were not okay, and I would just forgive them for it, and allow them back in without having to work for it. Sometimes they wouldn't even have to actually apologize. And once they see that there are no boundaries, they'll get comfortable with doing it over and over again. Seriously, you need to set some clear boundaries with your partner, because you're telling this person how to treat you by what you let them get away with.

Both parties have to be putting in the work.

A relationship is highly unlikely to work unless both people are willing to put in a similar amount of effort. Both parties involved need to find a way to give the other person what they need from the relationship or find ways to meet each other halfway. Seriously, everything in a relationship is a team effort. You should not have to feel as if you're the only one who is putting in the effort, but you also shouldn't make your partner put in all the work either. A relationship isn't all about one person or the other, and it should never become one-sided. Seriously, you deserve better than a partner who isn't willing to do the same for you that you'd do for them.

The "honeymoon period" will not last forever!

Falling in love with someone who feels the same way about you can feel so blissful; it's truly a magical feeling. I'll be honest, some of the best moments of my life were the moments I've spent mutually falling in love with past lovers. Every moment I would spend talking to them would feel amazing. The mere thought of this person would make me smile, and would even alleviate any anxiety I had about anything else going on in my life. With every text that my significant other would send to me, I would grow happier and happier. When I'd hear their voice on the phone, or see their face on webcam, it would feel as if nothing could go wrong. What could go wrong? Uhm, everything. Everything could go wrong. 

The truth is, as incredible as that honeymoon period feels, unfortunately, it won't last forever. At some point, something is going to go wrong. Odds are, at some point, your partner is going to piss you off, or you're going to do something that pisses them off. It could very well be unintentional, but misunderstandings are bound to happen, and they'll likely lead to arguments. Sometimes they may lead to major, near breakup arguments. I'm not saying this to be cynical, I'm saying this because it's the truth about love. Things are going to go wrong, and when they do, you both have to figure out what to do from there.

You need to remember to love yourself too.

Honestly, this goes for both people in the relationship. You know that cliche saying that you can't love somebody else without loving yourself first? I used to call complete bullshit on that, but now I believe that there is at least some truth to that saying, because when I'm not loving myself or taking care of myself, I don't have the energy to give my partner the amount of love that I would like to. This is why I say that both partners need to keep loving themselves. Quite honestly, I believe that one of the factors that caused problems in my relationship was a lack of self-love, possibly on both sides. But seriously, even when you're in a relationship, you have to keep loving yourself too.

Love yourself enough to know what you deserve. Love yourself enough to know that you are enough. Love yourself enough to be able to receive the love that you deserve, and not anything less.

While my love life has been far from ideal up to this point, I have certainly learned a lot from it. Some of them were hard lessons to learn, as with many of the lessons we learn in life, but that doesn't make them any less valuable. As a matter of fact, some of the most valuable lessons we learn in life are the ones that were learned the hard way. That doesn't make them any less of a hard pill to swallow, especially not at the time, but you get what I'm saying. The lessons that I've learned from love are all things that I can take into my next relationship if (and when) I choose to love again, whether that person is a previous lover or someone new.

What are some lessons that you've learned from love and heartbreak? Is there anything that you wish you had known before you started dating? Or is dating not your thing anyway, and you're able to avoid all of this mess? I'd love to hear your thoughts! Also, one more thing, but if you enjoyed this post, I highly recommend checking out my best friend Mari's posts "19 Things I Learned From Heartbreak" and "19 Things I Learned From Love", as they were a lot of the inspiration behind this post. Plus, all of her content is amazing, so check it out!

Lessons Learned From Love And Heartbreak
Thank you for reading, and I hope the rest of your day is wonderful!
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1 comment

  1. Thank you for the shout-out, Kat!!!

    I wish I knew about the section


    Mari |


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